I usually don't write many posts of this sort of personal nature, but it's been weighing on my heart. Maybe there are others out there who have dealt with extreme differences in a friendship.There's this friend that I've known since childhood. Growing up, we shared the same faith and I would often go on church retreats with her and her church friends. We were very close during high school and then again, early on in our marriages. She was just one of those extremely kind and caring people who you could call anytime, anywhere and talk about anything. I loved her like a sister.
Over the past 15 years or so, she has changed significantly, in my opinion. Whereas I've stayed middle of the road religiously and politically, she has veered way off to the point of what I consider to be fundamentalist.
It's gotten to the point where I am not able to enjoy any time spent with her. Husband refuses to get together with them as a couple or as a family because he thinks they're both "wack." The last time I was with her, I had to bite my tongue the entire time. Let's just say we VASTLY disagree on parenting, among other things.
Sadly, my friend now has cancer. She refuses to do chemo and has opted for the vitamin supplement route. It angers me. I don't understand why she doesn't care enough to think about how this will affect her children. I'm to the point where I will e-mail her, but I won't call her or see her anymore. On the one hand, I feel selfish, but on the other hand, I just can't deal with it anymore.
(I know my regular posters would not do this, but I'm asking any visitors to not leave comments of a negative nature towards my friend. I realize she may be "out there," but she is still someone I care about. Thank you for any thoughts on how you would deal with this situation).
Only you can decide what to do in this situation and truthfully, you probably already know what to do.
ReplyDeleteI believe that all you can do is try to help her as much as possible without trying to tell her what you would do. It's obviously going to end badly regardless, but you can only do so much.
My two best friends from HS both 'drifted off' from me, in spite of my best efforts to keep in touch. Ironically, whereas one of them went in what I considered a 'religiously extreme' direction (and thus counted me as insufficiently 'zealous'), the other thinks of me as caught up in a cult. So, whatcha gonna do?
ReplyDeletePeople have whole entire complexes of motivations, some of them comprehensible to their friends, and some not (heck, some of them, the people themselves aren't all that aware of). And since they're 'free moral agents', you really don't have much available to you, but to leave 'em to their own choices, no matter how destructive you perceive them to be. You can try to convince her that the course she's taking is erroneous, or harmful, or unwise, or just wrong, or whatever, but your largest duty to her and her family is to love them as best you're able, whatever that may be. . .
Oh, man. I just don't know what to say to help you.
ReplyDeleteI've personally never had to go through this as my closest friend falls along the same line of thought that I do about most things.
I guess if you're determined to talk to her, start off by telling her how you feel about this whole idea (treatment, etc...) but then let her know that you'll be there to support her no matter what.
But only if that's how you truly feel. If you feel you can't support her, don't tell her otherwise (you know that, though).
Good luck. Your friend will be in my prayers.
it's a very difficult situation yo uare in as a long time friend. i do understand your furstration and the sense of alienation because of the widely divergent paths you've each taken.
ReplyDeletei have to say i am more or less in agreement with what the others have said here. if you feel the need to speak your mind do it as lovingly as you can. ultimately she will make whatever decision she will make and all you can do is be supportive to the best of yoru ability.
i'm sorry for how torn you feel. i know it's not pleasant.
I'm sorry you're feeling torn by this situation, too. It's completely understandable, and it's sad to see a friendship once so in synch divide and perhaps wither away altogether.
ReplyDeleteI also echo what others have said. I imagine your friend, through just perhaps observing how you carry on in your personal and family life, knows how you ultimately feel about the choices she's made and continues to make. I don't know if saying anything else about how you feel, about the choices she's making now medically, would be of any significance other than if saying it is something you personally feel is necessary. I'm sad she's choosing to potentially lose time with her children, and I don't know how old they are, but I wonder if they've said anything to her about her choices. Anyway, I get the impression talking to her about it isn't going to change the course of treatment she's taking.
Also, and I'm not saying this to be cold hearted, but friendships do run a course, and that's OK. Perhaps this is one that has. I know it seems an awful time to take action on that, but there are things we can only do so much about, and this may not be one of those things anymore.
I think that the greatest gift you can give your friend is tolerance and acceptance of her choices and support and love as she walks through an incredibly dark time.
ReplyDeleteHowever it is that you are able to do that and be at peace within yourself and not create strife for her... that is the path to walk.
Hugs for you, hon.
I'm just going to echo the other comments here. Support her. The human body is a miraculous thing (I would not discount modern medicine to help it along, but she is entitled to her own decisions.)
ReplyDeleteWow, Cocotte, this is a tough one & I can totally understand your distress & frustration.
ReplyDeleteThe best advice I can give is to try to step outside of yourself to be there for her if & when she calls on you, in whatever capacity that you feel comfortable with. I'd try not to give her unsolicited advice, but at the same time, I wouldn't want you to forego your OWN values either.
I guess at a certain point you have to re-evaluate the friendship that the 2 of you have NOW (not 15 years ago) cuz people change, some for the better, some for the worse, and some just differently than you do.
My best to her and I hope you find a solution that feels best for you soon.
*big hugs*
Oh, that really makes me sad. I hate to see someone turning away medical care for a treatment that is, at best, useless. Her poor kids. And how frustrating to know you've grown so far apart, to watch her walking a scarily fundamentalist path. It doesn't sound like a happy one. I'm sorry you'r struggling with it. And I'm also wishing her healing, both physically and spiritually/emotionally.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the kind thoughts and comments. I will be deleting part of the post for privacy reasons.
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry to hear about her cancer.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who makes choices on a daily basis that make me angry, sad or just plain nuts. I've really had to train myself to love her for exactly who she is ... faults, craziness and all.
It's not easy, and I did have to put a little distance between us, but it has enabled me to remain her friend.