School's Out Forever!

A while back, I read a funny essay entitled, "School's Out Forever," by Joe Queenan. He talked about how parents are supposed to feel all melancholy when their children are finished with school (K-12) and move away from home to pursue other interests (colleges/careers). He felt the opposite and was thrilled that he would never have to step foot into a school again.

Although I couldn't relate to most of his reasons (being summoned to the principal's office for his children's misbehavior or poor grades), I could definitely relate to the relief that, when the end of August rolls around every year, I'm just dropping a kid off at college, waving goodbye, and continuing on my merry way. Oh, sweet freedom from all the nonsense that revolves around a childhood education!

Here is my list of things I don't miss:

1. School Supply Lists. If it were just pencils, paper, etc., I could handle it. When the lists became janitorial-like (paper towels, Lysol wipes, etc.) and craft supplies (where the hell am I to find colored plastic spoons?) I began to lose it. The year that my son needed professional artist-grade colored pencils for third grade and I spent weeks driving to every craft store in a tri-county area in search of them . . . well, that was the year I officially lost my mind.

2. Meet the Teacher Night. It wasn't so bad in elementary school. You walked around the classroom, met other parents, and listened to the teacher tell you how great the year would be. By high school, you had to remind your student to write down his/her schedule so that you could follow his classes that evening in 7 minute increments with 3 minutes in between classes. My first time, I remember dressing up, wearing nice sandals, etc. Big mistake! When the school is the length of a football field, three floors, and filled with the parents of 1600 kids, you really need combat wear. Then there were the teachers who read to you from the syllabus (that you already read, see #5).

3. Band Concerts. The ones where the kids have only been playing instruments for a few months or the ones around contest time, where the musical selections are dreadful. Even my son knew how painful it was at times and told me I could just drop him off. I never did that, but I did leave early.

4. PTA Moms. Especially the moms who quit their careers as executives at places like Proctor & Gamble and now need a new place to run the show. My favorites were the ones who would beg and plead, via e-mails/phone calls, for help at different events. I would show up, along with 30 other suckers, to do the job of 6 people. This would make an interesting reality show! Let's watch 30 moms try to make themselves look useful.

5. My Signature. The forms at the beginning of the year, I could handle. It was the constant requirements that wore me down. For every movie shown, field trip taken, school dance, extracurricular activity, photo taken, I had to sign something. It progressively grew worse, so that by my third child, I had to sign tests he received an 'A' on, or he'd have points taken off! WTF?? Then, in high school, each teacher wanted you to sign off on every syllabus, classroom policies/rules sheet, lab safety forms, etc., etc. By that time, I just told my son to forge it all. If you are going to be going to college and living on your own in a different city in a year or two, your mommy/daddy shouldn't have to be signing what you yourself should be responsible for.

6. Fund Raisers. No, I do not want to buy $12 rolls of wrapping paper, knick knacks, frozen pizzas/cookie dough, or candy. I also do not want to attend alcohol-infused 'wing' nights at a local bar, beach-themed parent dances, or silent auctions of gift baskets. Here is my $50 donation check, if you will just leave me alone.

7. Homework. Anyone who has had a third grader come home on the Friday before Mother's Day and hand you a homework assignment involving making a weather instrument that is due on Monday will understand the urge to send a teacher a nasty gram, that may or may not involve profanity. In 8th grade, it was a little something called The Rube Goldberg Project that did me in.

/Rant. What do you (or will you) not miss?