As some of you know, she graduated from a community college with an Associate's degree in early childhood education. Unfortunately, after two different places of employment, she concluded that caring for preschoolers was not working out for her. It was too much chaos for her to handle. Six years ago, she was hired as a page at our local library, and it has been a wonderful job for her ever since. So, that's a bit of background for newbies to my blog.
Every year, I like to focus on a different aspect of her life. This year, I'm going to talk about friendships. Some barriers to friendships for those on the spectrum include:
1. Difficulty initiating conversation and maintaining eye contact.
2. Not understanding body language, facial expressions, gestures.
3. Anxiety in social situations.
4. Inability to cope with change of any sort.
5. Not understanding boundaries.
During her K-3rd grade years, she made friends easily. Kids seemed to accept her, despite some of her quirks (fear of loud noises and new places/situations, obsession with certain TV shows) and she was invited to friends' homes and to birthday parties quite regularly. That began to change when she moved into the intermediate school (4th-5th grades). One friend moved out of state and the others were in different classes, so Middle Child no longer saw them on a regular basis. Luckily, she made one new friend (who had a disabled brother) which lasted all through the rest of her school years and this friend would include her as much as possible in activities. The friend got married in 2019, Covid happened, yada yada yada, and they rarely see each other anymore.
She did make one friend at her community college who has Asperger's but those were tough years, both academically and socially. Once she graduated, she became very isolated and would spend the majority of her time in her bedroom on her ipad when she wasn't working at her part-time job. I tried to get her involved in a few autism or disability-related groups, online and in person, but there was never a good fit. The autism ones were almost solely male-oriented and dedicated to things she wasn't interested in, like gaming and science fiction. The disability groups did not have anyone at her higher level of functioning, so there was a lack of communication and socializing, which was the reason for her going in the first place.
In an answer to prayer, a high school classmate of hers (that she previously only knew by name) started a young adult group through our church about 4 years ago. They began to meet on Monday nights at this young woman's house (who also has a Master's degree in counseling). Our church is small, so it's not like there are a ton of people in the 20-30 year old range, but it's just enough to make it work. It's sort of a book discussion/prayer group/Bible study/dinner club. Last week, they shared a Seder meal together in celebration of Passover/Easter. This week, they met at a bar/grill to watch one of the members play in his band.
They happened to meet on her birthday last month and had a surprise party for her with cards and donuts (her favorite dessert). Here are some of the cards she received:
She was beyond excited when I picked her up. It's been so nice for her to have new friends who accept her and encourage her. She feels free to share her triumphs and worries with them. Often, I will see her in her craft area in our basement making little doodads for the group. A few of the young women even meet up with her for coffee occasionally, fostering an even closer friendship. She's been invited to two weddings, bridal showers, and a baby shower for group members. It's a place where she belongs.
Thanks for reading. If you have someone in your life with autism or another disability, please share how they are doing.
I'm happy that your daughter has found her peeps. It's difficult enough to do that when you aren't managing Autism, let alone with it and all the challenges it brings with it. Middle Child must have gone through a lot, but look where she's landed.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ally. Yes, it does get harder to make friends the older we are, for any of us. BTW, I was tickled by your blog name when I first came across it because Middle Child’s family nickname is Bean AND she wears 🤓!
Delete"Recently, she turned 31 years old. It's hard to believe that when I started this blog, she was only in high school."
ReplyDeleteWow! That's unbelievable because having blogged with you for so long, I forgot that's how young she was when you started. Happy Belated Birthday to you her!
I can't tell you how much I enjoy these yearly updates about your daughter because as you know, my closest and dearest friend also has a child (a 32-year old boy) with autism. However, as I've shared with you, he is low functioning. And it's been tough for my friend since her husband recently passed away, but she's gradually adjusting to this huge change in her life, day by day.
My heart swelled at your mention of the surprised party they had for your daughter. Those cards are adorable! And how thoughtful of them!
I'm so happy to know she is doing so well; not only in her job, but her friendships as well
"She's been invited to two weddings, bridal showers, and a baby shower for group members. It's a place where she belongs."
Oh, that makes me want to applaud loudly - for her, and for you and your husband because I'm sure you are beyond happy about that.
Thanks so much for sharing my friend, this post made my morning! Have a fabulous weekend! X
P.S. I'm going to share this post with my friend.
I know, can you believe it’s been that long? Though high school doesn’t seem that far away sometimes. I’m still suffering from the PTSD of her homework back then! LOL! The people in this group have come and gone due to moves, marriages, etc. but they still manage to get new people through friends of friends, etc. Not that many in the group even attend our church. It’s just a nice mix of people from different backgrounds. I’m just glad she loves going because I know that means she feels included. That’s all you want in life is to belong and feel loved!
DeletePlease do share with your friend and give her my love as well, Ron. I have thought of her from time to time since your blog post. XO
Oh, this is so wonderful that she has found her people! She sounds like a lovely young woman (is 31 still a young woman? Seems young to me!). I am so happy for you. It's hard being a parent, but it's extra hard when there are special needs involved. I'm glad the world has changed for people who don't typically "fit the mold" - the kids now are so much more accepting of differences, it seems to me. I have a nephew who is high functioning, but he is homeschooled and I don't think he has many friends. It just makes my heart warm to think of your daughter finding her friends and enjoying her job. How wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI do think kids are more accepting now. When my daughter was diagnosed in the late ‘90’s, there wasn’t much information about autism available. It was scary to tell people and most kids didn’t understand. Now there are books for children about all sorts of disabilities. Homeschooling is tough because of the lack of social interaction. I hope your nephew eventually finds his place in the world when he becomes an adult. Thank you for your sweet comment.
DeleteI am so happy to hear that your daughter has found work that she enjoys and a group of friends that support her. That is awesome. My best friend started seeing problems with her son when he was 5. It took so many years to get a proper diagnosis. It went from hyperactive disorder, adhd, to finally Aspergers. I'm SO happy to say that he is now 26 years old and a fireman. He also has a group of friends and church members that he is close to, is completely living on his own and supporting himself and we all couldn't be happier for him. My friend and I really worried during those years 5 to about 18 but it all finally worked out. Hugs to you because I watched what my friend had to go through. It's tough.
ReplyDeleteYes, back then it was harder to get diagnosed. In all of Cleveland, there were maybe 3 neuropsychologists to choose from. My daughter also has adhd and dyspraxia, along with an eye condition, so she is not able to drive. WOW on your friend’s son’s achievement at becoming a firefighter! That is amazing! It’s so nice to hear that he lives on his own. I also have a friend whose son is 30 and has Asperger’s. He just got his master’s in accounting and is looking to buy a small home. However, he really struggles with friendships and really, any sort of conversation.
DeleteOh gosh. I didn't know that you had a daughter with Autism, so I appreciate the background info. It cannot be easy. I'm so happy that she has connected with this group. It sounds like just what she needed. The library job sounds like a good fit too. I can imagine the stress you experience when she struggles, so what a relief this must be. The surprise party - how wonderful!
ReplyDeleteWe have two sons with ADD. Tank usually does pretty well socially and reaches out to profs for clarity on things, but his anxiety ramped up while in Irealnd. It has been incredibly challenging, because he's only had one other issue with anxiety and that was resolved fairly quickly. Lad lives with us and while he manages to hold down a job, he really needs to take medication for ADD. He refuses. The hours he works selling cars aren't conducive to being social. He clearly has anxiety, but won't see a therapist or take meds. His anxiety caused some real problems right after he graduated in '20, as he panicked about his uncertain career path. It manifested in anger - directed at Coach and I. I'm ready for him to move out. Like, yesterday. I think we are unwittingly enabling him. He thinks he is going to buy a house. Too big of a step for him and he doesn't have the bank account to pull that off. ;(
Thank you for your comment, my friend. I think no matter what the disability, it’s just so hard to see your child struggle. It’s also hard to watch their peers succeed and progress in life when your child stays stagnant (for lack of a better term). I try not to get too down because I also have friends whose kids have addiction issues and the like, which makes my daughter’s life look like a cake walk. I wish your sons all the best and also wisdom and strength for you and your husband. It can be very draining on a marriage as well. XO
DeleteThanks for this.
ReplyDeleteGod is good. All the time. . .
You’re welcome, Craig. Hope all is well!
DeleteThis is such lovely story, Bijoux! Thank you so much for sharing it with us. You are a true superhero!
ReplyDeleteI am so happy for you and your daughter and I wish you all the great things that life has to offer!
Thanks for reading Rob, and for your always kind comments.
DeleteThat birthday party was a wonderful gift by caring friends. I'm glad she is doing better.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jeff.
Delete"please share how they are doing." I'm doing fine.
ReplyDeleteThat is nice to hear. Thank you for stopping by.
DeleteMy daughter turns 23 tomorrow. She was one when I started blogging. One!! Talk about feeling old.
ReplyDeleteIt's great that your daughter is making friends now. Especially ones who bring donuts. Those are the best kinds of friends!
Wow! The blogging community must have been quite small back then. I’m not sure we even had internet at our home in 2001! Donuts rock! Especially creamsticks, but I love a chocolate cake donut, too. And jelly filled. And glazed. ALL!
DeleteI can imagine it's difficult to watch your child go through life with challenges like hers. I'm glad she found her place and I'm sure it does your mama heart good to see her thriving. That surprise birthday party must have been wonderful for her! Thanks for sharing her story with us.
ReplyDeleteYou are welcome, Jeanette and thanks for reading and commenting.
DeleteEchoing what other's have stated, it is so hard to make friends the older we get, so I applaud the fact that she's finally landed amongst a group of caring and accepting friends. A surprise party in her honor, oh what a treat that must have been!
ReplyDeleteIt’s been great and she really looks forward to getting together with the group once a week. Thanks for stopping by!
DeleteHow does she do with meeting new friends at the library? Do you think that maybe she could start her own group there. I wonder how many more in your community are in the same boat she was. Want friends, but haven't been able to connect with the right ones yet.
DeleteShe doesn’t meet anyone at the library; she’s working! Lol! Her coworkers are mostly moms my age with a grad student or high school kid thrown in. During her school years, I served on a local disability board and was an officer of the parent group for those with disabilities for 12 years. It was hard to connect any of the kids together because of the wide range in abilities and interests. She’s struggled with that in recent years as well. Believe me, we’ve tried!
DeleteI love this post so much. It fills my heart that she finally has her 'people' to share time with. What a blessing! What a sweet bunch to celebrate her birthday with/for her.
ReplyDeleteMy cousin Patrick is 40 and has Downs; he's thriving in a small group home with lovey friends (they refer to each other as family) and he has a part time job that he loves; he's living a very full life! https://www.larcheatlanta.org
Thanks, Suz. I checked out the link and that looks like a fantastic organization. They are few and far between, let me tell you. Whenever I hear about a group home or workplace that solely employs those with disabilities, it's always a parent who starts it because of a need. I'm in awe of people like that. I'm so glad Patrick has his people, too. And a job that he loves is icing on the cake. XO
DeleteBecause I am new to your life, it was so interesting to learn more about your daughter. I was nodding my head throughout your post, friend. My 15-year-old daughter was diagnosed with Autism last July. She was diagnosed with ADHD and Anxiety at the age of five, and she had always struggled with friendships, school, and social anxiety. But it wasn't until she had another neuropsych evaluation last summer that they discovered she was Autistic.
ReplyDeleteShe had been homeschooled both during and after the pandemic, so when I asked the doctor why her Autism didn't show up when she was tested at the age of five, he said it could be because she was masking as a result of being in public school; this time, she felt more free to be herself.
I am grateful to have you in my life; I have no adult friends who have children on the spectrum. I'm relieved to have finally met someone who understands what our lives are like. Thank you so much for sharing, and please give your daughter a big hug from us. 😘❤️
Wow. So you are just starting the journey. Believe it or not, we also had trouble getting our daughter diagnosed. The pediatrician insisted she couldn’t have autism because she was so verbal at age 2. We went to a lot of specialists until we got the proper diagnosis. The ADHD seems to go hand in hand and I suspect it’s why some diagnosis stop there. I’ve read that a lot of girls can mask their symptoms, so what you said sounds right.
DeleteIf you have time, you might enjoy my previous autism posts if you can navigate the side bar to the right on the main page. I posted them each April, though I may have missed a few years and didn’t do it in the early years of my blog. I can send you the links if that’s easier. Also, if you want to take this off blog, I can email you my personal email address (I rarely check the blog one). Hugs right back at you!
It warms my heart that the middle child is thriving and doing well. It also made me smile reading about the surprise birthday party. Some days I feel good about humanity. Take care.
ReplyDeleteThank you. It certainly relieves some stress in my life to know that she’s happy.
DeleteGood to know she's doing so well at the moment, and that she's found a very welcoming group of friends. I hope that happy situation continues.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nick.
DeleteAs others have commented, Bijoux, thank you for sharing this story of not only your daughter's struggles but her successes as well. Although I have not followed your blog from years past, you have made references in past years about your "Middle Child" and your family dealing with autism. How wonderful that she has such enjoys working at the library and now has such an accepting group of friends in her life. Also, belated Happy 🎂 Birthday wishes sent to your daughter.
ReplyDeleteOur 16-year old grandson was diagnosed with ADHD years ago, which is different, but still presented difficulties. He also has overcome many of them and is now doing well as a high school sophomore
Thank you so much. Yes, ADHD can be difficult during the academic years. I'm glad that he is doing well in high school and I also wish him much success in the future.
DeleteThat's wonderful that she finally has a good friend group. It's so hard to make friends as an adult, anyway, let alone if you're perceived as "different". Too bad we live so far away because I think she and I would get along. I don't handle loud noises or change well either, and I love donuts. :-)
ReplyDeleteI think you would get along great, too❤️ Looking forward to you posting again, Danielle.
DeleteI'm so late to comment on this, but just wanted to say that I am glad your daughter has these new friends now! I know she's had many challenges and successes over the years and you've been an amazing mom through it all. How sweet that she does art to share with her friends! I'm happy to hear she's gotten invitations to things and can be with people who care and encourage.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
Mary
Thank you so much for reading and commenting, Mary! XO
DeleteI just found your blog & when I saw the post on autism I had to read it. Although I have not been diagnosed, I believe I am on the spectrum. I did not speak until I was 4. In kindergarten I was given a test. The school thought I was retarded but the test showed I was of average intelligence. It was chocked up to being shy. My parents kept me in school but I had all the signs shared here. I graduated but I never made any friends. I managed to work & live on my own. I married & went to college in my 30's. I am so glad to hear your daughter found her tribe. At 60, I still haven't. I have work friends but it is just me & my husband.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. I'm glad that you were able to marry, but I'm sorry that you still struggle with friendships at our age (I also just turned 60). I will visit you to see if you have a blog.
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