Weekend Update: The One Where I Tell You What's Really Been Going On

When I was a sophomore in college, I took Psychology 101 and after reading the definition of paranoid schizophrenia, my entire life began to make sense. My mother has this condition, though she has never been diagnosed. I assume that when she married at age 22, she did not have it, and from what I've read, it usually doesn't appear in females until age 25-35. At this time, I'm not going to go into detail about what it was like for me growing up. I just wanted to give you some background to the current situation and why I was not as alarmed about things as most people might be.

My father passed away in October 2018 from vascular dementia. He had previously had two heart attacks, a double bypass and stents. At the time, my parents were living in their 4th condo since selling my childhood home in 1991. My mother kept finding problems with each new residence, so then they'd build another condo elsewhere. The current one has been their home since 2005.

In late 2019, my mother began showing early signs of dementia. These included getting lost while driving and losing things. During the pandemic, I wasn't seeing her as often and keeping track of her decline. In January 2022, she lost her address book and claimed that 'someone' stole it from her house on Christmas Eve. The only people who had been there was Middle Child, my husband, and me. When I questioned her further, she said she saw my son take it (though he was in Europe at the time). No amount of reasoning with her could change her mind and I had to hear about this nearly every time I saw her thereafter. However, due to the previously mentioned paranoia, none of this was all that shocking to me.

Every few months, she would also claim that someone had tried to break into her condo at 2 a.m. or that 'something' was against her basement window, spying on her. Then it was her neighbor stealing her mailbox key and my brother blocking her number. The stories became more outrageous as time went on. I began helping her more and more, taking her to doctor appointments, the bank, etc. By the end of 2022, I knew that she needed to go into assisted living, but she was refusing to do that, or give up driving. I predicted that she would either have a car accident or she would fall inside her home and nobody would know.

Earlier this year, I began researching assisted living facilities and touring them. I decided to have her visit my top two choices in May. Unfortunately, it was about that time that she turned on me and began accusing me of stealing things from her, such as her wedding rings and her checkbook register. At that time, I was visiting her 2-3 times/week, filling her weekly medication cases and making sure her bills were being paid. She was very angry that I was 'taking over everything.' So, I decided to back off on the assisted living (I also had two vacations planned) until July.

On July 2nd, I spent the day at her condo with her, looking for the bank safety deposit box keys that she couldn't find. I went to the grocery store and picked up some items for her so that she wouldn't do it herself. I told her I'd be there on Friday to take her to the bank to deal with the safety deposit box. On Thursday, I called her to remind her of the bank appointment on Friday. I called for 5 hours and never got an answer. I knew something was wrong, so I phoned my oldest daughter who only lives 15 minutes from my mother (I'm 45 minutes away). She used to be an RN Case Manager in home health, so she has some experience in these sorts of situations. 

She drove over and when there was no answer at the door, she called the police (she actually knew one of the officers who showed up). They got my permission over the phone to break in (luckily, they were able to get in through a window on the enclosed porch instead of breaking down a door). They found her on the floor in the office, lying in broken Christmas ornaments. She was conscious and able to tell them her name, the year, and her birthdate. She also recognized my daughter. An ambulance was called and she spent 5 days in the hospital. Her only serious injury was a fractured right shoulder. I was told she was too old (84 YO) for surgery.

Following that was rehabilitation. Not only did she need to work on using her left hand, she had to practice walking again, after being in bed for so long and having her balance thrown off by having one arm in a sling. I could do an entire post just about the rehab facility (and it wouldn't be good). The worst part was there was no guarantee of how long insurance would pay for rehab and she could be released with only a 24 hour notice. I had to find her an assisted living place immediately.

Fortunately, she was able to stay in rehab for the maximum allowance (20 days) AND I did find an assisted living facility that could take her immediately. I had to order her a bed (her condo only had a king and a queen, which would not fit into her new single room.) My husband, son and I spent a full day moving furniture and belongings from her condo to assisted living.

There were a number of snafus along the way, but it's done and she's been there for 2 weeks now. She is NOT happy, but it is what it is. She's still in a wheelchair because of the arm in the sling. The majority of the time when I see her, she can't tell me much of anything because she has no short term memory left. The visits are never a pleasant experience, but I dutifully go 3 times/week. I'm also left paying bills and fielding all the insurance claims, follow up doctor appointments, and calls from the assisted living therapists, etc. It's become a full-time job.

Believe it or not, this is only half of the story. I will share what else this has entailed in a follow-up post. For now, at least she is safe and she can't harm others.